None

I have no appetite for anything and no interest in anything. Ugh, but my rationality still controls my behavior, while my emotions keep pulling at my state of being. It's painful, but I can't say "very painful." There are so many people in this world suffering more than me, physically and mentally. What right do I have to call this state "very painful"? I'm a bit in pain, and I can no longer numb myself to that pain. Over a dinner that took an hour to finish, reheated once, eating and stopping, feeling no appetite one moment and hungry the next. It seems I'm just not hungry enough, or not in enough pain. If I were hungrier, I'd eat properly; if I were in more pain, my survival instinct or defense mechanism would force me to stop thinking about all this nonsense.

Sometimes I think I deserve it. My very existence caused someone else to be like that before, and now I'm like this, I deserve it. But my body and mind really can't take this kind of pain anymore—"happy yet painful, clear-headed yet sinking." Do you know how uncomfortable a constant headache is? Do you know how uncomfortable it is to constantly be stingy? Damn, yesterday I had a violent coughing fit, instinctively looked for a tissue to spit out phlegm, didn't even get to the tissue, and didn't taste blood. I thought, "Oh no, did I cough up blood?" Then I suddenly connected to a guiding consciousness from above, "I need to let go, otherwise my physical health will be punished." Sure enough, I spat out phlegm, and there were traces of blood in the saliva. Ugh... Am I just torturing myself in every way? Being together is painful, being apart is painful too. Sis, but your body is already sounding the alarm, it's really enough. Actually, even if the so-called "love slot" is missing in life, it can still be very exciting. It's really enough, give your body and mind a break.