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The copy of "Four Thousand Weeks" I bought has arrived. With such an eye-catching title, even my mom couldn't help but feel a ripple in her heart when she saw the book cover. Last night before bed, I was chatting with my mom about a certain topic, and she suddenly shifted the conversation to answer with "Four Thousand Weeks." I'm not sure if it was a clear-headed or an evasive answer. I corrected her, "It's when a person lives to 80 years old that they reach 4000 weeks."

Yesterday's family gathering used to end after chatting for a bit after lunch. Yesterday was unprecedented; after lunch, we just sat around at grandma's house staring at each other with my cousins and aunts, hahahaha. I clearly sensed at that moment "how useless yet how blissful." I was happy "wasting" my time there, and they were also "wasting" their time, choosing to do these things to accompany each other. At that moment, even the sharp rise or fall of stocks seemed less heart-wrenching.

After playing cards, I brought up a recent point of conflict. In front of everyone, I asked my cousin, "How do you know for sure that the other person is the one you want?" Because I think no matter who you choose, it requires courage; it's all about moving forward with fear. She only said a few words, and I couldn't force a deeper conversation, hahahaha. It was interrupted by ordering takeout for dinner. I said, "Then I'll ask again later, we'll talk more later." Actually, I know that for someone like me who craves deep conversations but doesn't want to make others uncomfortable—someone with strong boundaries—I always use "later" to give others psychological space and also to numb myself.

We happily finished dinner. Actually, it should have ended there at most. I forgot if I initiated the follow-up questioning again, but everyone followed my lead and chatted. In this conversation, we all clearly sensed that the choice my cousin made was clear-headed and lucid. Everyone chattered away, and by the end, I was feeling a bit "powerless," hahahaha. But I choose to be an optimist, even after seeing some of the harsh truths of life.

That night we chatted until it got dark, unlike before when everyone would go home before dark. It felt like we were back to those New Year's nights when grandpa was still around. Back then, I was young, and after the New Year's Eve dinner, I would always listen to my eldest uncle-in-law, as the main speaker, share his views, hahahaha. Sure enough, last night, the one who got most hyped up chatting was my eldest uncle-in-law, hahahaha.

Because people know time is limited, they make choices with awareness. When spending time with family and friends, they cherish it with this awareness.

I slept until past 7. Actually, I was still very sleepy, but I couldn't help wanting to get up. First, I couldn't help checking the stock trends, but even more, I couldn't help wanting to read "Four Thousand Weeks." I put on my thick pajamas and went to get that copy of "Four Thousand Weeks" which, compared to me, had met my mom first. From the table of contents, I chose the subsection I most wanted to read: "Facing Human Finitude." I read from page 53 to 65, a full hour and a half.

So there are still people who understand those intense inner conflicts in my heart, the anxiety about time, the fear of death, and that state of being both anxious and grateful. I said I'm living in a vacuum between the "past" and the "future" right now. I know I should live in the present and be grateful for everything, but I don't have enough courage to make the choices I know I should make (choices about "the life I want to live"), and I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. In short, after reading these dozen or so pages, I gained understanding and integrated knowledge, but right now I'm feeling lost again.

Reaching the end of this subsection, hahahaha, I'm back to the starting point. Two equally valuable choices, or choices that might forever be replaced by a better choice upon second thought—so why must I choose A and not B? But behind B, there are actually C, D, E, F, G... endless. How on earth do you make a choice you're truly content with? I know you have to give to receive. I know that as long as you make a choice, you just have to take responsibility for it. I know the finitude of time. I know you can't seek perfection. I know nothing is perfect. I even know I myself can't achieve perfection. But I can't do it. Is it because I'm still not clear about what kind of life I really want to live, so I hesitate?