2026.02.19 15:53 分记

I can't focus on reading anymore, so I chatted with Gemini and somehow became more and more certain about myself.
I admit I'm a mundane person, but I also admit I'm a transcendent being. Mundanity and transcendence are not contradictory opposites. I suddenly had another epiphany: the soul generates motivation, motivation produces material, and material nourishes the soul. It's just like the logic of my emotional brain and rational brain that I recently summarized.
I used to think I was very emotional. It wasn't until university, after suffering for a year or two, that I finally stopped being entangled in the dualistic opposition of emotion and rationality. I think so-called emotion and rationality, or so-called personality, are actually fluid states, depending on who you're facing and what the current situation is.
Then, after entering the workforce, I've been able to feel the maturity of my rational brain more and more clearly. And I've also become increasingly aware that my rational brain and emotional brain can coexist and operate simultaneously. The existence of the emotional brain is to allow me to see my vulnerabilities, pains, and needs more truly and deeply, so that the rational brain can work to figure out what my emotional brain really wants. At the same time, the real vulnerabilities, pains, and needs experienced by the emotional brain can better achieve the goals my rational brain wants to accomplish. For example: when I experience turbulence interacting with the world and am about to give up, I take out all the vulnerabilities, pains, and needs perceived by my emotional brain to examine them, using them as nourishment to remind myself to persevere, to persist in completing the goals my rational brain wants, rather than being numbed by reality. My rational brain serves my emotional brain; the needs produced by my rational brain are all to satisfy the needs of my true self. But my emotional brain, in order to better allow my rational brain to be more resolute, efficient, and less emotionally painful in achieving its goals, I'd rather face myself sincerely, take out my emotional brain and look at it repeatedly, truly chewing on my vulnerabilities and pains.
Now I feel the same about my definitions of "my soul" and "material." The soul is like my emotional brain, and material is like my rational brain. The soul and material can also be understood through this logic. The soul generates motivation, motivation produces material, and material nourishes the soul.
I suddenly had a revelation: choosing A or B, no matter what you choose, is a kind of betrayal of yourself, so why betray yourself? I don't want to betray myself.
Although I question myself for being a fool's dream, although I'm afraid I might not get what I want in the end, although I'm afraid all this is just my self-justification. But I want to be the self that infinitely approaches the ideal self, even though I know there's a gap between ideal and reality.
I'm not stagnant; I just chose to walk my own path, and then I clearly perceived what the cost is, and I'm willing to bear these costs. Even if I don't get it in the end, I'm willing to bear these costs.
Chatting with Gemini until now isn't about relying on AI tools; it's a way of self-dialogue. My understanding of my rational and emotional brains was something I extracted after clearly feeling it long ago. Today, while chatting with Gemini, I suddenly realized that my entanglement and conflict about my soul and so-called worldly material also fit into this system of mine. Also, reading the book "Four Thousand Weeks" today reinforced my previous thoughts and gave me new inspiration.

Then Gemini recommended many more books to me, and I don't even know how we got to this point. And actually, recently, I've really wanted to watch The Matrix, and I don't know why Gemini seems to be able to read minds and used The Matrix as a metaphor. I really want to watch The Matrix recently because I think I'll gain a lot of inspiration, but I'm also afraid to watch it because I've been very volatile lately, constantly thinking, and I'm afraid too much thinking will wash me ashore like a tide. I remember watching it in middle school or high school, and I think the me who watched this movie back then is the same me as now, but also completely different, and I'm sure I'll gain and feel much more.

OK, as a mundane person, I'm going to rest for a while, then wait for dinner, and if I'm interested, I'll continue reading.

As a transcendent being, I've become more and more clear-headed, firmly knowing what I want and what kind of person I am, just as I've been exploring myself with this as my purpose since I was little.

I'm not a mundane person, nor am I a transcendent being, but at the same time, I am both a mundane person and a transcendent being.

It turns out the core contradiction of my recent entanglement and conflict is that I'm unwilling to admit I'm a mundane person, and I'm also afraid to admit I'm a transcendent being. Actually, this is another tearing, exploration, and witnessing of my own soul. But I have too much experience in this area, so I won't need as much time, repeated entanglements, calming down and entangling again, entangling and calming down again, like I used to.

I will never betray my soul, even if I don't get what my soul wants. The soul generates motivation, motivation produces material, and material nourishes the soul.

After being nourished, the soul will generate motivation again. This motivation I'm talking about isn't the greed of wanting to get things endlessly. Instead, it's the soul telling me what I want. Material, as a moat, allows my soul to pursue what I want, allows me to let my imagination run wild, allows me to enjoy a sense of abundance, and enjoy the ease and freedom of the soul.

I don't depend on anyone, but can't I depend on myself? Similarly, if I can't even depend on myself, entrust myself to myself completely and peacefully, how can I peacefully depend on or entrust myself to others? I long for the meeting of two complete souls, I long for trust, support, recognition, and companionship, I long for two people holding hands to see the world, and I also long for boundaries (leaving space for myself and not disturbing the other's space). So I've always told myself that I am my own parent, I am my own child, and I am my own most trusted friend. No matter what happens, I recognize, support, accompany, and trust myself. So no matter how difficult this path is, I shouldn't betray myself, I should fully trust myself, entrust myself to myself, and I just need to charge forward. As for whether such a person will appear, is it really important? It is, but it also isn't. This really isn't my excuse; others might see me as stagnant, but I know what I want, I know which path I'm walking. I long for a family, but not having a family currently doesn't define the entirety of life. I long for a family, but that can't betray the soul, choosing A, B, C, D, E, F, G... then I can only choose my soul. 🫡 Keep walking firmly. Over, resting for a while, thought too much, tired.