I just briefly told Grok about my long-winded post.

To be honest, my ex was really a very good partner.

When I was acting crazy, he tried his best to be tolerant of me.

But there was no way around it. Back then, whenever I was acting crazy and he showed a little impatience, I would get angry, even thinking it must be because he didn't like me or love me enough. Even though I already felt he liked and loved me a lot, even though I thought he was already doing very well.

I can only say that we were actually pretty good, and we both became more mature because of this relationship. Breaking up was the better choice; it untied the knots in both our hearts.

In this relationship, in the end, I saw our respective limitations as unique individuals, and the limitations of being human.

I also said I'm past the period of being the omnipotent savior from a narcissistic perspective. This "savior" isn't a real savior. It's the narcissism of wanting "to become omnipotent." First, I can't be omnipotent, and second, I have many vulnerable sides. I need to allow my vulnerability.

He isn't truly weak either. He is a living, breathing person with his own thoughts. Whether he is genuinely emotionally vulnerable at times, or whether he sometimes deliberately creates his own vulnerability to accommodate my "omnipotent narcissism," he has the right to become a more confident and stronger person. I also don't want him trapped in his own "emotional pattern trap." Our "emotional pattern traps" were interlocking, interacting, and mutually destructive.

I want my soul to be free, and I want his soul to be free too. This is more important than so-called love, and this is even a form of "love" hahahahaha.

It's not that I purely want to elevate this relationship. Nor is it that I have no feelings for my ex anymore. I might still have feelings for him to this day, but those feelings aren't about possession. It's that I feel if he is happy, I will deeply bless him, even feeling a sense of peaceful joy.

Because finally, we don't have to love each other so painfully. Finally, he can enjoy a relaxed, joyful love. He has the right to enjoy a relaxed, joyful love. He has the right to enjoy the feeling of confidence, the feeling of controlling the situation to a greater extent.

I think loving someone comes at a cost; the cost of love is to expend energy. And I currently don't have the mental energy to love back and forth with anyone else. I choose to heal myself alone first.

So now, although I still crave being loved, and I still like children. But I no longer expect love. I desire nothing, nor will I blindly give.

And I think I once loved someone so much, and I once deeply felt the feeling of being loved by another. But I also felt pain within this deep love, and in the end, I painfully yet soberly chose to sever this love. So what kind of love or difficulty could possibly hold me back? The feelings my ex and I invested were real. This love isn't to say it was wrong, or unhealthy. I definitely won't love in such a pattern or the wrong pattern again.

Maybe in the future, I'll still find someone I love, someone who loves me. But perhaps that love won't be as deep or painful as the love between my ex and me. A kind of purely warm, substantial love.